Books the world doesn't need (1 in a possibly ongoing series)
Since many of my entries seem to be about hatin’ on this or that (kind of the opposite of my buddy Bijan’s approach to blogging), I figured why not start making fun of dumb books. I’ll start with the book that inspired me to do this, but I’ve got much better ones coming.
You know, the kind of book you see and say, “I can’t believe they published that.” I won’t do book reviews as such–that would require reading the book. These posts will be more about me just picking a book and complaining (whining?) about it.
Books like Valerie Bertinelli’s, Losing It:
The book is about 70s TV Star Valerie Bertinelli’s battles with weight loss and mental illness. Get it? “Losing it?” Don’t get me started on the subtitle.
I can’t think of a single reason we need this book. There’s already enough (bad) books on weight loss. I liked One Day At A Time as much as next kid, but the show’s been off the air for 27 years. Let. It. Go.
We’ve already had to endure her co-star, Mackenzie Phillips battle with anorexia (and drugs). At least she had the decency not to write a book that opens like this:
Some people measure depression by the medication they take or the number of times per week they see a therapist. For me, it was different. I measured my depression with baked jalapeño-and-cheddar-cheese poppers, the brand that advertises itself with the slogan “Bring home the fun.”I’d love to meet the person who came up with that line and ask him a question. Is it really fun to see yourself blow up three dress sizes?
I suppose they -wouldn’t sell as many if their slogan was “Pack on the pounds.” On the other hand, they may do OK with a promotion that said “Forget your ex-husband” or “Eat these instead of having sex—since nobody wants to see your fat bare ass.”
During the cold winter months of 2002–03, when I was making Touched by an Angel in Utah, those jalapeño-and- cheese poppers were my Prozac. I was on a significant dosage: at least nine a night and sometimes more.
But who am I to judge? There are a lot of favorable reviews on Amazon.
Although the date of a number of these seems suspicious–one day after the book was published. This 3-star review makes a good point:
The book is a fun read and great for anyone who grew up at the same time and thought she would be a great friend. HOWEVER – I have had some weight struggles myself, probably gaining/losing a similar amount over the years, and aside from the Jenny pimping, I want to point out that Valerie a)was getting the expensive Jenny food for free (which is nowhere near as yummy as home cooked meals), and b)was able to use a personal trainer and c)does not work full time, care for two children, necessarily clean her own house or do her own bills. In short, as much as Val is like us, she’s not. So her diet experience in so many ways is atypical and I don’t want this to be taken as a realistic picture of what Jenny can do for you. Add to this that many of these pre-packaged foods are processed with additives, it is indeed cautionary.
But here’s my favorite review. It’s 1-star. For all the wrong reasons:
I’ve always liked Valerie Bertinelli, i’m a huge fan of Vanhalen and I was excited to read this book, BUT I didn’t get past the first chapter and I had to put it down. Why did Valerie feel she had to diss our President and in the first chapter?? Don’t these Stars realize they are going to alienate at least 1/2 of the American population by saying such things?? Why make any kind of political stand? I totally lost interest and paid money for something I won’t finish reading.
(My first thoughts: “Maybe this book isn’t as bad as I thought; actually, at this point, she’s going to alienate about 20% of America at this point.”)
The comments on the review are hilarious.
Wait, I take it back, here’s my favorite review. The author pimps her own book in the review. Brilliant!
I am truly grateful for Valerie’s book. Not only did it give me a break from studies and allow a bit of literary voyeurism, but it reassured me that getting real with oneself is probably the greatest personal event any person can participate in. This level of self honesty is not easy. I know. I went into that emotional place when I wrote The Sleeping Stranger. It is most certainly a traumatic yet cathartic process and I admire her courage. This well penned book, Losing It, is worth the time and money.